Letter From A Better Parent

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Dear Lesser Parent,

I see you at the park, distracted by your iPhone, yelling at your kids, not caring whether your kid is laughing or crying or feeling emotionally abandoned by your lesser parenting. I wanted to send this gentle observation: you’re doing it all wrong. I wish you were a better parent, like yours truly.

I’ve been thinking about what makes my kids better than yours. Talk about opening up the floodgates! I have so many ideas to share. Maybe you’ll pick up a few pointers and become a better parent like me.

Here goes…

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My kids never watch TV. Ever. We don’t want passive stimulation to create inferior neural connections. Video games? Forget about it. In fact, most of the time we don’t even let them use electricity.

My kids are super healthy. They eat organic foods, mostly grown in our own backyard. We have tomatoes, cucumbers, and, of course, our own live chickens (free-range).  My kids don’t like sugar because they’ve never tasted it.

My kids never fight.  I mean, why would they?  They’re on the same team, after all.  They never call each other names, or hit, or punch, or bite.  They usually just hold hands, and sometimes hug.  They’re little cuddle bugs.  Just like me and my spouse.

Why fight when you can picnic together as a family?

My kids only read novels. Jane Austin, mostly. Some Charles Dickens. We don’t let them read books with pictures (is that really even reading?). We have discussions about the hardest vocabulary words they can find.

My kids are in the 99th percentile.  In everything. Intelligence, height, good looks, awesomeness. It’s like being in the top 1% of life. Maybe even the top 0.1%. President Trump knows what I’m talking about.

My kids always share. They never fight over toys. They’re always respectful of each other’s things and talk issues through like mature humans.  It’s because we have an “always share” rule around our house.  It really does the trick.

My kids prioritize their own safety. They always look both ways before crossing the road. They always ask whether something is edible before putting in in their mouths. They never take risks with their own bodies (why would they?).

My kids are always happy.  They never cry. Not even when they fall down and scrape their knees. They never use tears as a way of getting what they want. They always just ask politely. No tears in this house.

She is literally the happiest child who ever existed

My kids never use bad language. They always say please and thank you. No f-words, s-words, or d-words in this house. That’s disgusting.  It helps having the parents set a good example by never cursing (like, never-ever).

My kids always go to bed on time. They never negotiate for “just one more book.” They never beg for me to lay with them. They never turn the light back on after I’ve left them to go to sleep.  They always get 8 hours, sometimes more.

My kids are super smart. They can count to 10 in seven languages. We never fight about homework. No nagging required. They always do the extra credit assignments.

My kids are ahead of all their developmental milestones. They started walking at 9 months, starting talking at 1, reading by 3. Good genes, I guess.  Also good parenting.

My kids are never lazy. They volunteer to take out the trash and clean up the dishes. They keep their rooms clean, like army boot camp. Beds are always made, first thing in the morning.  We’ve taught them that the early bird catches the worm.

My kids always make the best sports teams. They’re super athletic. You should see how fast my son is. He’ll probably get a college scholarship. I’ll be encouraging him to go Ivy League.

Surprise, surprise — he won (again)!

My kids are never disrespectful. They usually say “yes, ma’am” and “yes, sir.” Please and thank you are second nature. My kids always respect their elders. They love hearing stories about when we were young.

My kids are good looking. Okay, ridiculously good looking. Like Derek Zoolander. I’m thinking of putting my daughter into a beauty pageant. She could probably be a model someday.

My kids are pretty popular. They have tons of friends, never any anxiety about whether or not they fit it. Lots of Instagram followers too. My son will probably be a CEO someday, or maybe an actor.

My kids love airplanes. No crying, no whining, no asking “when are we going to get there” or “can I use the bathroom” when the seat belt light is on. They’re pretty perfect passengers, if you ask me. They love traveling first class.

My kids are great drivers. They always obey the speed limits. No accidents in our house. They would never take risks with the BMW. No mistakes either. I feel super comfortable riding with them. Cheap insurance too.

We practice looking down on other families

My kids are self-motivated.  We focus on intrinsic motivation because it’s more effective.  We never use external “rewards” (or worse: “bribes”) to influence behavior.  We want them to make their own decisions, assuming that they’re good decisions.

My kids never wake up early on the weekends. They only wake up early on school days. It’s like they have an internal clock telling them not to wake up Mom and Dad before we’re ready. Usually they bring us coffee.

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I’m so glad we cleared that up. Hopefully with better parenting your kids will be as amazing as mine someday. But genetics play a role, too. I’m sure you’ll manage.

Now I can get back to more important things, like training my dog to be better than yours.  He never barks.  Today I’m teaching him to bring the paper and my slippers in the morning.  It’s a work in progress.

Sincerely,

A Better Parent Than You Are